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wanted – a wife who is not on facebook!!!

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the national drink of india – Tea

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It’s been more than 60 years since we got our independence but still we did not designate any drink as the national drink of india. But the long wait is finally over. We now have a national drink – tea.

Tea faced a lot of competition from both soft drinks esp. From thums up with many politicians claiming that “aaj kuch toofani karte hain” is the need of the hour and so thums up should be the drink for our country.

But then our oldies politicians thought that we do not really need our young generations to be toofani, we already have enough toofaans and tsunamis already. I personally think that they were worried that some didis misunderstood the message as – aaj kuch mann maani karte hain, and they started “roll backs” and arresting cartoonists etc. The “Raja” type scamsters could also tweak the message as – aaj kuch bayimaani karte hain. Also, toofans in recent times have made us lose cricket matches, so thank you, no thums up please.

toofani thumbs up, no please

Slice in recent times has also gained a lot of attention. No, it’s not because people crave for mangoes. But because of our dear shiela (full of her jawaani) and her antics in the slice “aamsutra” ad.

shiela ki jawaani could not get slice the title of drink of india

But then the moral police said that we cannot encourage such behavior of women in this great country. They can’t act shamefully with fruits on national tv – today it is mango, what if someone makes banana or melons based drink. God only knows what will the ad makers make then…

Adults in the country said that when ever they want to have a good time, they rely on the king of good times – kingfisher. Plus it has a global appeal and would show that as a country we encourage good times (encouragement to FDI and tourism industry, eh!). But alas the king of good times himself is facing a financial crises and there is concern that he and his son would have to pose nude for the next year’s kingfisher calender. The king of good times although says that there is nothing to worry and they’ve come up with a fantastic presentation to highlight the company’s sexy figures to attract investment in their company. Now who can deny them money with such figures , have a look yourself –

sexy figures of kingfisher - king of good times

But the babus and netas cannot take the risk and so unfortunately we cannot have kingfisher as our national drink.

Finally they decided to do some market research and found that according to marriage websites, 99 percent of the folks in the country are teetotalers… There we have the answer – ofcourse Tea should be the national drink of our tea totaler nation, esp. With its wide acceptance from richie rich cricketers to the aam aadmi (who while dreams of creating kamasutra, sorry I meant aamsutra, with katrina. But can realistically afford nothing more than a cup of kadak tea).

tea - aad aadmi's choice and national drink

cricketers support tea as india's national drink

chennai super kings and IIT madras’ plan of women requiring male escorts and whistles after 11 pm

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What the hell is happening in the world these days. Clearly things are just so funny that you laugh so hard that your stomach starts to ache. The latest event/news is the safety plan of IIT madras in which certain areas are designated for unsafe for women and that women should not move alone outside after 11 pm, male volunteers will escort them. In case of any emergency women should blow (no not the male volunteer silly, but) the whistle. After you stop laughing (typically 10 min after reading the previous sentence or when your stomach starts to ache, whichever is sooner) and start to reflect on this plan, you’ll realize that it is indeed quite thought provoking. Who came up with this and with what motives? It is indeed quite intriguing… Let me elaborate on my hypothesis…

Q. What this plan is trying to achieve. –

Option 1 – safety of women students
Option 2 – wholesale publicity of IIT madras and increased admissions

If you think that the answer to the question is option 1, then the only thing I can tell you is that – “baby, go drink some milk and sleep it’s quite late in the night.” Of course the correct answer is option 2. Imagine the scenario (it’s all quite clear in front of my eyes) – this plan is so ridiculous that everybody will indulge in arm chair activism and discuss it. It will improve the brand recall of IIT madras and provide loads of publicity. Do I hear you say – But bad publicity – oh my dearies, all publicity is good publicity…

Also imagine the impact of this plan on prospective students and their parents. The male students will queue up to join IIT Madras (not because they want to become engineers but) because they’ll dream of becoming volunteers as a part of this noble plan. As far as female candidates are concerned, it is but obvious that both they as well as their parents would want them to join IIT Madras for obvious reasons (females – male company ; parents – because they think that this is the “safe” IIT… Aah, the naïve fellas!!!).

So on the whole, this plan will help IIT Madras quite a bit in years to come.

Question – which are these so called “unsafe zones” for women

Option 1 – isolated places like some dark alleys, roads, garden etc
Option 2 – study places like library or even class rooms

If you answered option 1 then you are a fool or you are one of those morons who think that if answer to previous question was option 2 then then answer to this will be option 1 (duh!).

Just apply some brains and think. If you were one of the shady guys who plan to prey on a shareef female then were are you likely to hang out – ofcourse in study places whére some shareef and geeky females would come.

Who would you find in isolated places and if I were to find a shareef female in one of those places in the middle of night then it begs a question that why is she there in the first place.

Why whistles ?

Option 1 – to ask for help in case of emergency
Option 2 – sponsorship to make chennai popular – it’s all about money, honey

Again the correct answer is option 2. Consider these facts, with these I rest my case –
1. IIT Madras is in chennai
2. IPL is going on
3. Chennai super kings is the team representing chennai
4. Whistle podu is the official anthem of chennai super kings

iit madras and chennai super kings whistle podu

Don’t be surprised if they later decide that they need to have students wear uniforms in IIT M. Any guesses what will be the color of the uniform of fellas from chennai (clue: Remember the poem – Yellow yellow dirty fellow).

I hope the above questions and their answers clarify the whole drama that’s going on. It’s a smart plot by IIT-M and chennai (super kings) to get publicity. Clearly there is a method in this madness…

sky – clouds and sun

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Top 5 reasons why Shahrukh Khan (SRK) is always detained at airport by the US immigration authorities

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Top 5 reasons why SRK is always detained at airport by the US immigration authorities –

1. When they ask him about his credentials, he replies – my name is “khan” and i am not a terrorist. Duh! only a terrorist would say that. Chor ki daari mein tinka. They say – ek maaro iske “kaan” ke neeche.

Obviously they did not even “like” his facebook page that he’s made esp for them.

Shahrukh khan (SRK) - My name is khan and I'm not a terrorist

2. He stammers too much – so much that it arouses suspicion and a 15 minute interview becomes a 2 hours detention. Also, they refuse to believe how an ivy league colleage could call a person who dances in folks’ marriages to come and deliver a lecture.

3. When he says that he’s the owner of IPL team, they freak out and think that he has come to discuss with and give tips to the owners of new york yankees which’ll turn yankees into a 3rd rate team like Kolkata Knight Riders.

4. Every few years he acts like a “don” and keeps mumbling that “don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai” – obviously if you give random challenges to the authorities then you need to be aware of the consequences.

5. He makes crappy movies like Ra.One and goes overboard while promoting them. Audience gets over-bored while watching them. US authorities get worried that he could be carrying weapons of mass destruction like the script or DVDs of Ra.One.

Greg Smith – Why I am leaving Goldman Sachs… what a cry baby. huh, huh, huh!!!

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It’s really shady that everybody today has been really fascinated by this dude (I would have called him a Big Shot till yesterday, but now “dude” is the politest I can manage- cry baby would be more appropriate though) Greg Smith’s resignation. He was (till yesterday) one of the executive directors of Goldman Sachs. Now in most cases when a high profile person resigns most people think that
a.       he’s made enough money, now he’ll just chill out
b.      He’s got a better job offer – better position and/or more pay
c.       Wants to get into politics

Now I am not saying that any one (or more) are not true in this case, but what’s made it very eye catching is that the dude wrote his resignation letter in the opinion column of New York times. And the more bizarre part of the thing is that the NYT was foolish enough (or smart enough –it might have helped the sales a little bit, definitely gave publicity; but also definitely reduced credibility as a sensible newspaper) to print it.

So what did the guy write in the resignation letter. I have seen loads of resignation letters – most of them are copied from internet or from ex-colleagues’ resignation letter. Most if not all are nice and polite ones, with the employee thanking the managers (who they actually hate from the bottom of their heart and who they could have even killed given half an opportunity!) and suggesting that they are more than willing to finish their pending tasks and assist in smooth transition – HAHAHA … what a bunch of lies. Truth or Lies aside, the resignation letters in most cases tend to be quite polite.

But this “dude” greg smith decided to cry like a 6 month baby on a newspaper about how he does not feel that the culture of the organization (mind you where he holds one of the senior most positions) is right. Dude first of all look at your bank account – most of the money that you have in there is courtesy the same company. If Goldman “sucks” now then it also sucked a decade ago. It was just that you were too young, naïve and most importantly you did not have the comfort of your bank balance (or rather you wanted to earn this bank balance) that you did not speak out then.

Boss if you feel bad about your organization’s culture or policies and you are in a position to influence or change them then try and do that rather than crying like a girl in public. If you can’t change that even then the sensible approach is to keep shut and mind your own business and move away from the organization. Crying in public is just so so uncool. Especially if you have been made bloody rich by the same company and the same practices… Don’t give us all this rubbish about the organization culture disappearing, heart not being in the right place. Just admit it you’re either having a mid-life crisis (no need to be ashamed of it) or you’re just too bored of it (understandable after 12 years in the same company).

Anyways, whatever has happened, has happened, the cry baby letter is out there in public. Some sissies will sympathize with Greg and say what a nice thing he did by resigning. The smart chaps will just say HUH and laugh at his foolishness, maybe even feel bad for the poor dude who has clearly completely lost it. Unlike salman khan who proclaimed – “mujhpe ek ehsaan karna, ki mujhpe koi ehsaan na karna”, my only request to greg is – dude just do one favor – now please don’t write a book on this whole thing. I am sick and tired of people posting this article on social networking sites and indulging in arm chair activism on how bad investment banking industry is. I am frankly sick of it already and want it to get over with it. I don’t want a book to surface in a few months and this whole thing to start all over again …

P.S. – if you like to read this cry baby resignation letter then please google “Why I am leaving Goldman Sachs” (it is too shady to be included on this honorable blog!) – there are enough websites that have uploaded it, hoping to ensure that New York Times does not encash on all the hype surrounding this shady business…

Beti B has a name – aaradhya bachchan

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OOh no, it’s aaradhya – aaradhya bachchan. After much ado finally when the attention of folks moved away from beti b to more mundane issues like the state elections and the budget of the country, the bachchan pariwaar decided to announce the name of beti b.

Yours truely was always under the impression that the kid would always be known as Beti B – which is not a bad name anyways. Seriously Beti B or B.B. as we could have lovingly called her would have been such a nice name. Remember the adorable B.B. From kill bill (don’t remember, see below cute B.B. In her action packed avatar)…

Anyways Beti B or B.B. Would have had loads of advantages, let me list a few –

1. It’s already google optimized – last time I searched for Beti b on google it gave me 13.5 million results – not bad eh… So my humble opinion is why spoil such a “already google optimized brand”.

2. B.B. Could have been expanded in which ever way – if she turned out to be brilliant, she would have been Brilliant B, if as a actress she did bold scenes, she would have been called Bold B, if she turned out bigari huyi she would have been called Bigari B and finally if she decided to leave india and settle abroad she would be called Bilayati B. So you see B.B. Works quite nicely with all scenarios.

3. Beti B or B.B. Is short and snappy and people across the world could have remembered it easily (except for some angrez who might have called her “baithi” B instead of Beti B – but that’s not so bad, would have conveyed a “settled” feeling to all!). This is much better than a tongue twister aaradhya – might get twisted to “are red yeah” – as if she’s a marsian (belonging to the “red” planet).

4. Beti B is also better for twitter – with less number of characters and a short form B.B. There is no clear short form for aaradhya bachchan (too many ABs anyways! – too confusing, not that anyone is tweeting about abhishek or aish anyways except for PJs, but still).

5. Anyone with a name like Aaradhya will end up with roll number 1 in school and colleges – imagine the problems kid will face!!! Even if she’s two minutes late, she’ll miss attendance; her homework and exam sheets will be checked first of all and worst of all if the teacher makes kids sit in order of roll numbers then she’ll end up sitting right up front – watching the teachers in high definition and with no opportunity of napping in sleepy classes. Phew that’s tough!!!

So everything considered, my humble opinion is that the family should think of best interests of the kid and resort back to Beti B (B.B.).