humor

hillary clinton to meet mamata banerjee – important questions that can be asked by mamata didi before she signs a deal

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Hillary clinton has come to india to meet mamata banerjee and others to discuss key economic issues. However, probably she doesn’t know that meeting mamata and getting her to sign business deals is easier said than done, it’s a bit like getting into the “not so real” tv show – roadies.

I am sure that mamata and the quiz màster dude -derek will quiz her quite a bit, before anything concrete can be discussed and finalized.

Being the nice guy that I am, I am happy to help hillary by telling her some of the questions that can be expected from “didi & quiz master”

1. Why was srk the owner of the ipl team of the great city of kolkata detained in the US recently?

Wrong answer – it’s a part of the security procedure. We frisk everybody and anybody found to be suspicious is detained.

Mamata’s didi’s expected response – huh!, bloody incompetent americans. Good for nothing.

Correct answer – he was reading a book written by karl marx. Anybody with such strong leftist tendencies cannot be trusted.

Mamata didi’s response – ofcourse, well done. Keep up the good work. Hopefully he will now realize that he should not be reading such good for nothing books…

2. What color nail polish do you like to apply?

Wrong answer – red, it goes well with my skin tone.

Mamata didi’s response – pathetic. Red is the color of blood and most importantly left parties. It cannot be promoted…

Correct answer – I don’t apply nail polish (hides her fingernails with red nail polish). I like to keep it simple. I am inspired by great leaders like yourself who are so simple, calm, peaceful and down to earth. Actually where is ladies room (rushes to remove the red nail polish from fingers)

3. Why did you forgive bill after all his, err, adventures with monica?

Wrong answer – well, I thought, what has happened, has happened. He is smart, sexy and a popular chap with connections. He can be useful in my political career.

Mamata didi’s reaction – bharasth lady, get out. Get out of this pavitra house and this great state of poshim bongo, we have no place for such shameless ladies who only think of their careers. Out you go.

Correct answer – well didi, it was difficult as you can imagine (actually sorry you can’t coz you’re not married, but whatever). I did demand a roll back, I mean err, divorce. But then he fell on my feet and actually gave me your example that if great mamata didi can support manmohan despite odd differences then why can’t we make peace. Ofcourse he has promised to ensure that his mouth stays shut like mms as well… We’re truely inspired by your generous and kind nature.

4. Given a choice of investing in indian roads, airports or railways what would you choose?

Wrong answer – roads are the lifeline of any city/ country and indian roads need a lot of investment to make them as good as american expressways. So we would like to invest in roads.

Mamata didi’s response – you foolish woman. How will investment in roads help. We have bullock carts moving on roads, do you think they prefer expressways to kachchi roads that we have. You americans just don’t understand. There is a reason for keeping the roads like they are. In cities, our kids play cricket on roads. Do you think that anybody practicing on flat wickets will end up being as talented as my dear sourav… Just good for nothing idiots you are…

Correct answer – ofcourse railways. Can’t be anything else. Actually we’ve even thought of our first “quite innovative” project… We’ll re-paint all the coaches, that are currently painted red to green (the symbol of prosperity). We just need your blessings to kick start this project. Ofcourse it will also allow us to work with a great leader and administrator like yourself (mamata didi blushes and says you’re too nice. It all sounds great, I have no other questions).

One tricky question from derek –

5. We have a great tradition of partying with friends. So before we sign anything what would you like to eat and what music would you like to sing and dance to?

Wrong answer – we’ll I have heard a lot about aloo paranthas. I would like to try those. Also I have heard about this kolavari di song which has become quite a hit globally, let’s groove to that…

Derek has a victorious smile – the one you have when you’ve successfully trapped someone. Didi is furious and has turned red. She shouts – you foolish white woman. Do you singh you are in the residence of mms that you want to eat paranthas. Nobody eats paranthaas here. And what’s this deal about kolavari di. I have never heard of it. Are you a tamil amma or what? You won’t get anything, no projects, no food and no music. Out you go…

Correct answer – what else can we eat except a sweet rossogulla, which I have heard is as sweet as you are in this parts of world. Also is there any better music than rabindro sangeet. Such peaceful and melodious music. Much like the voice of my favority mamata didi (mamata didi blushes and turns red, derek is also satisfied)…

should sachin and rekha be in rajya sabha? who else should be there …

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There has been a bit of an uproar since sachin and rekha have been nominated to the rajya sabha. The supporters of the move are saying that it has given much needed glamour quotient to the house, while the folks opposing the nomination (mostly pseudo- intellectuals indulging in arm-chair activism) are saying that these two are not qualified for the post and what good will they do there.

Yours truely thinks that it is a brilliant move. These two have all the qualities that we want in our politicians –
1. Glamour – let hina rabbani khar meet rekha the next time she visits india. I am sure she’ll realize what a ugly duckling she is in front of her. This will also be a big psychological victory for india and will give us an upper hand while negotiating with pak.

2. Ageless ness – politicians are anyways ageless. A 40 year old is called a baba (of rahul types), 80 year olds with one foot in grave dream of leading the nation. So by those standards, sachin and rekha are at just the right age to enter the house. Anyways, sachin and rekha are known to be eternally young (much like shahid afridi, too bad he’s not an indian!) and they’ll inspire those around them to stay young.

3. Never give up attitude – despite their age, sachin and rekha just do not give up. So what if their bodies are getting old, they continue to do what they do best. Rekha – acting and looking pretty. Sachin – playing cricket and acting in ads. They are inspirational. Ofcourse they deserve to be in rajya sabha.

sachin tendulkar and rekha nominated to rajya sabha

Plus isn’t it great that congress party has been able to do what great amitabh bachchan could not do – get rekha and jaya in the same house. Ofcourse they needed to involve lovable tendulkar as well to distract attention from this great achievement. But when you realize what great task they have been able to perform I am sure you’ll go – CLAP, CLAP, CLAP (we should also send them to roadies – such great “tasks” they perform)…

So now that I’ve given enough reasons why sachin and rekha deserve to be in rajya sabha, let’s also think about who else should be there … Here are my suggestions –

1. Cheer leaders -who wear teeny weeny clothes and not behenji type cheerleaders in shady full body covering dresses (they’ll absolutely bring no “cheer” to our “leaders” and are an absolute disgrace I think).

these saree clad cheerleaders are a waste

Why do we need cheerleaders – arey simple hai yaar, just like in sports they inspire the sportsmen to hit 4s and 6s and to perform well. In rajya sabha they’ll inspire MPs to pass bills. Imagine how many bills will be passed if the politicians are told that after each bill is passed the cheerleaders will come and do their routine. I am sure some folks will get bills passed just to see these pretty things in tiny clothes jump up and down.

rajya sabha cheerleaders - come on boys and girls, let's pass the bill

2. Item girls – to stop folks from bunking from rajya sabha and to attract smart talent to this field. Let me elaborate. I believe that absenteeism from job reduces if pretty women are present in the work place. Look at the poor state of indian politicians, there are hardly any pretty politicians that’ll inspire them to go to work. All we have are mamata, mayawati, jayalalita & co. It’s obviously not surprising that men need to watch porn in the assembly. And after some folks are caught and the poor chappies are worried that they can be also be caught, some folks decided to act in porn clips. What desperation!!! Clearly they need pretty women in rajya sabha, and who better than item girls – they’ve got the body, they’ve got the assets, they’ve got the moves and they’ve got the groove.

There’s another advantage of having these pretty women there. It’ll attract bright young chappies to politics. Have you ever thought why are young folks not joining politics? – there’s enough money, there’s power, there is fame. The only thing missing are pretty babes I think. You add those to the equation and I see no reason why folks don’t want to join politics…

I am sure that the pseudo intellectuals and arm chair activists must be jumping up and down shouting that they’re not qualified and what will they do. Well, my dear fellas, Don’t these item girls have any opinion on the matters of national interest. Ofcourse they do, and who’s to say that their opinion is any less valid than yours. I think we need representation from them as well so that we can get views of folks from different of life to take good decisions. So please shut up and sit down (baith jaiye please), item girls are indeed needed in rajya sabha.

need these babes in rajya sabha

chennai super kings and IIT madras’ plan of women requiring male escorts and whistles after 11 pm

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What the hell is happening in the world these days. Clearly things are just so funny that you laugh so hard that your stomach starts to ache. The latest event/news is the safety plan of IIT madras in which certain areas are designated for unsafe for women and that women should not move alone outside after 11 pm, male volunteers will escort them. In case of any emergency women should blow (no not the male volunteer silly, but) the whistle. After you stop laughing (typically 10 min after reading the previous sentence or when your stomach starts to ache, whichever is sooner) and start to reflect on this plan, you’ll realize that it is indeed quite thought provoking. Who came up with this and with what motives? It is indeed quite intriguing… Let me elaborate on my hypothesis…

Q. What this plan is trying to achieve. –

Option 1 – safety of women students
Option 2 – wholesale publicity of IIT madras and increased admissions

If you think that the answer to the question is option 1, then the only thing I can tell you is that – “baby, go drink some milk and sleep it’s quite late in the night.” Of course the correct answer is option 2. Imagine the scenario (it’s all quite clear in front of my eyes) – this plan is so ridiculous that everybody will indulge in arm chair activism and discuss it. It will improve the brand recall of IIT madras and provide loads of publicity. Do I hear you say – But bad publicity – oh my dearies, all publicity is good publicity…

Also imagine the impact of this plan on prospective students and their parents. The male students will queue up to join IIT Madras (not because they want to become engineers but) because they’ll dream of becoming volunteers as a part of this noble plan. As far as female candidates are concerned, it is but obvious that both they as well as their parents would want them to join IIT Madras for obvious reasons (females – male company ; parents – because they think that this is the “safe” IIT… Aah, the naïve fellas!!!).

So on the whole, this plan will help IIT Madras quite a bit in years to come.

Question – which are these so called “unsafe zones” for women

Option 1 – isolated places like some dark alleys, roads, garden etc
Option 2 – study places like library or even class rooms

If you answered option 1 then you are a fool or you are one of those morons who think that if answer to previous question was option 2 then then answer to this will be option 1 (duh!).

Just apply some brains and think. If you were one of the shady guys who plan to prey on a shareef female then were are you likely to hang out – ofcourse in study places whére some shareef and geeky females would come.

Who would you find in isolated places and if I were to find a shareef female in one of those places in the middle of night then it begs a question that why is she there in the first place.

Why whistles ?

Option 1 – to ask for help in case of emergency
Option 2 – sponsorship to make chennai popular – it’s all about money, honey

Again the correct answer is option 2. Consider these facts, with these I rest my case –
1. IIT Madras is in chennai
2. IPL is going on
3. Chennai super kings is the team representing chennai
4. Whistle podu is the official anthem of chennai super kings

iit madras and chennai super kings whistle podu

Don’t be surprised if they later decide that they need to have students wear uniforms in IIT M. Any guesses what will be the color of the uniform of fellas from chennai (clue: Remember the poem – Yellow yellow dirty fellow).

I hope the above questions and their answers clarify the whole drama that’s going on. It’s a smart plot by IIT-M and chennai (super kings) to get publicity. Clearly there is a method in this madness…

mamata banerjee ko gussa kyun aata hai… didi and the cartoons

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The cartoon and the story behind the arrest of jadavpur university profs …

mamata didi jadavpur university cartoon

The whole arrest affair caused outrage over twitter… Will didi get tweeple to vanish as well

vanish tweeple

She earlier got marx to vanish from the books… Students at times thought that marks have vanished ;p

mamata marx ban

Don’t underestimate mamata didi, she can come out of the paper to get you …

didi can come out of the paper to get you

She can also suppress the press …

mamata - can she suppress the press?

Top 5 reasons why Shahrukh Khan (SRK) is always detained at airport by the US immigration authorities

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Top 5 reasons why SRK is always detained at airport by the US immigration authorities –

1. When they ask him about his credentials, he replies – my name is “khan” and i am not a terrorist. Duh! only a terrorist would say that. Chor ki daari mein tinka. They say – ek maaro iske “kaan” ke neeche.

Obviously they did not even “like” his facebook page that he’s made esp for them.

Shahrukh khan (SRK) - My name is khan and I'm not a terrorist

2. He stammers too much – so much that it arouses suspicion and a 15 minute interview becomes a 2 hours detention. Also, they refuse to believe how an ivy league colleage could call a person who dances in folks’ marriages to come and deliver a lecture.

3. When he says that he’s the owner of IPL team, they freak out and think that he has come to discuss with and give tips to the owners of new york yankees which’ll turn yankees into a 3rd rate team like Kolkata Knight Riders.

4. Every few years he acts like a “don” and keeps mumbling that “don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai” – obviously if you give random challenges to the authorities then you need to be aware of the consequences.

5. He makes crappy movies like Ra.One and goes overboard while promoting them. Audience gets over-bored while watching them. US authorities get worried that he could be carrying weapons of mass destruction like the script or DVDs of Ra.One.

who’s bilawal (bhutto zardari) and why is he in india …

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It was a nice and peaceful easter sunday till I opened my newspaper and turned on the television. (On a unrelated note – newspapers and telly are the best mood spoilers these days). Anyways, all I saw was some young chap (just to be clear he is 24 years young and not 40 something young baba!) Called bilawal. My first reaction was – what!, what did you say – Bill of agarwal, but I never bought any sweets from there. Again the voice boomed – bilawal. This time I heard more clearly, but I was still not sure – bill ya wall. Wall I know – rahul dravid, but bill? Is it bill as in clinton types or the mouse hole types?

I decided to switch from telly to the normally more reliable medium – newspaper. Aah… Here again on the front page, there is a news about some chap called bilawal. It made me start singing a song –

I dunno why he’s here
And what he wants to do
I guess he’s got a reason
But I just don’t wanna know
23 years he’s been living next door (pakistan)
He’s bilawal…
Bilawal!, who the f#@$ is Bilawal

Next I read that bilawal is having lunch with rahul gandhi. Oye, but rahul gandhi only lunches with poor folks for their votes. (Don’t believe me, look below)

rahul baba's dinner

So how does bilawal fit in. And surely bilawal has not come to india to have lunch with rahul baba (especially knowing rahul baba’s reputation of taking rotis from other folks’ plate!).

I decided to do some investigations on my own and bingo yours truely turned out to be a better hit than the dear travel agent vinod who could only manage a solo hit at wasabi restaurant, anyways let me not digress). Here are the results of my investigations –

1. It turns out that bilawal has not been able to access facebook and he got to know that facebook is accessible in india. So he turned up here. Don’t believe me (you all bhi na, uff), look at this link – http://mobile.twitter.com/Bilawal_Bhutto – (too bad I can’t do a print screen on my humble blackberry!)

2. After hina rabbani khar’s super duper visit and popularity, bilawal thought Let me also visit india, afterall what’s she got that I ain’t got (duh! – everybody knows that)

3. Bilawal wants to get a role in jism 3 opposite sunny (leone types, not the deol types. You guys bhi na, too much). He knows that indian telly and film industry wants to hire high profile foreigners to get people to watch, otherwise moronic, reality shows and movies. Sources tell me that Bilawal’s preference is to act in jism 3 and/or mtv roadies and /or big boss. He also wants to attend a ipl match, where pakistanis are not allowed. If he’s not able to do any of the above then he will atleast request film industry of india to allow him to do a “item number” to make his india trip successful.

Here’s a photo he is showing everyone to prove how popular he’s with the ladies (better than emraan hashmi, he claims) –

bilawal and the ladies

So don’t be surprised if bilawal bunks the lunch and goes missing for a bit. 😉