Humor

Rahul Baba at a Dalit’s Hut

Posted on Updated on


Rahul Baba At a Dalit’s Hut

Rahul baba sat on a floor
In a dalit’s hut, he shouted “I want some more”
The poor lady in the kitchen complained
How can we give him more, when we got no more flour

Yours truly, the savior, decided to intervene
Said “come rahul baba, let’s go to another place and eat.
We’ll eat italian, It’ll be my treat”

But rahul baba got grumpy and yelled
Italian food lacks spices. I might as well
Stay hungry for the night, or perhaps
Go another dalit’s hut to see if they’ll oblige

But I was not going to accept defeat in a hurry
I said let’s go to manu uncle’s house
I bet he’ll have some chicken tikka curry
But rahul baba was not impressed and cried
Manu uncle’s so boring and dry
If I go to his home, I am sure I’ll die

Yours truly was not going to up and decided to give it one more try
I said rahul baba you see it’s late in the night
It’s modi uncle’s area, his wolves prowl here at night
That finally got the desired effect
Rahul baba jumped up, packed his stuff and immediately left
Dalit family heaved a sigh of relief
Finally with rahul baba gone, they could sleep in peace…

Hina Rabbani Khar and Bilawal Bhutto love story – Pakistan foreign affairs minister ka internal affair nahi bhoolunga mein, jab tak hai jaan, jab tak hai jaan)

Posted on


A bangladesh tabloid released a story about the love affair between Hina Rabbani Khar and Bilawal Bhutto yesterday. Some people might say – so what’s the big deal. So what if she is married with a kid and the minister of foreign affairs of Pakistan (and most importantly quite a hottie!!!) while Bilawal Bhutto is, well, we can say Rahul Gandhi equivalent of Pakistan.

Hina Rabbani Khar - Quite a Hottie
Hina Rabbani Khar – Quite a Hottie

I bet this love story has raised quite a lot of eye brows in Pakistan, but here in India it has reminded the people about the treachery of pakistanis. Don’t understand the treachery, let me explain.

It’s all quite simple you see, let’s point out all the facts –
1. India and Pakistan both want cordial relations with each other
2. Pakistan made her “foreign affairs” minister
3. the simple understanding that people of india had was that either she would not have any affair (political or personal), she’d just come to india, indian media and men would fall head over heels in love with her. She will give her cute smile and she’ll leave. OR (and this is a very big OR, kripya gaOR farmayein) if she indeed has an affair, it will be a foreign affair – preferably with an Indian…

Who can forget all the million dollar smiles that SM Krishna gives when he meets her. It is alleged that he doesn’t wash his hands for a few days after a hand shake with her, lest her perfume fades. Rahul Gandhi- the supposed yuvraj (the prince types, not the cricket types) of India has remained a bachelor till date. I bet rahul dude must be feeling like vivek oberoi in the movie “yuvraj”… he even reduced his diet and started eating at the homes of poor folks instead of eating a sumptuous italian meal cooked at home…

So I think its’s only fair that the people of india are quite disappointed and grumpy. I am sure rahul gandhi must be feeling like the loser in the VIP frenchie underwear ad – what’s he got that I ain’t got.

Bilawal Beats Rahul gandhi for Hina rabbani khar. rahul says - what's he got that i ain't got
Bilawal Beats Rahul gandhi for Hina rabbani khar. rahul says – what’s he got that i ain’t got

Even in pakistan, the folks are quite annoyed. They were hoping that Hina would sing the song – mein hoon khush rang Hina – with a head of state of a developed country, so that their country would get some foreign aids, oops I meant foreign aid (seriously, of course). Now a love affair with Bilawal is just a waste of time and a waste of precious natural resource (that is hina rabbani khar!). I bet President Zardari must have told her – Foreign affairs minister ho karr, internal affairs karti ho. Sharam nahi aati!!!

Anyways, now nothing can be done. The whole world is sulking and the two love birds are planning to marry and settle down in Switzerland (hopefully so that it can become a proper “foreign affair”)… now the only chance that India has to take revenge for this is to make Sunny Leone (the conservative indian girl) foreign affairs minister of India and then later Rahul Gandhi can have a love affair with her and marry her. I am sure when Sunny goes to pakistan and flashes her what she shows best (oh ho – i meant smile baba, you guys bhi na – you’re all just too much) and then later breaks the pakistani hearts then the people of pakistan will realize what true heart break is all about.

rahul gandhi - quite a ladies man
rahul gandhi – quite a ladies man
sunny leone - india's next "foreign affairs" minister
sunny leone – india’s next “foreign affairs” minister

 

Till then the lovers of India will say –

Pakistan ki foreign affairs minister ka internal affair
Nahi bhoolonga mein
Jab tak hai Jaan, Jab tak hai Jaan

pakistan ka yeh dhoka nahi bhoolengey hum jab tak hai jaan
pakistan ka yeh dhoka nahi bhoolengey hum jab tak hai jaan

Priyanka chopra – Please Browny matt kaho na … (mein barfi hoon)

Posted on Updated on


There has been a lot of discussion around priyanka chopra’s wacky hairdo in the upcoming movie barfi. Obviously, actors (and for matter actresses) being actors always have a standard answer to all these things – this was the demand of the role. Ok I understand that, but then why do you want to do such roles (greed of awards, critical acclaim, hai na …). However in the case of priyanka chopra it is not the case. She has a totally different reason for doing the movie barfi.

priyanka chopra - mein bhi barfie
priyanka chopra – mein bhi barfi hoon
Before the movie (what a perfect timing I say), she told the world that she was called browny while she was studying in a high school in the US. Now I say, what a great and deep statement she has made. Let’s analyse what all points this deep and profound statement conveys –
1. She is educated – afterall she went to a high school
2. She is educated in the US – the incident happened in a high school in the US
3. She was victimized & traumatized & racially abused in the US
4. Amrikans can’t spell – hello, it is spelled as b-r-o-w-n-i-e …
5. Shows the foolishness of amrikans – I mean in north india, I used to tease my south indian classmates by calling them “aiyo idli dosa”, similarly a north india healthy kid in the class was called as “poda” (short for pakoda). (On a separate note – poda is a good friend of mine and we still call him poda even now that he is married and has a kid. Anyways let me not diagress.) My point is why call a indian “brownie” or “browny” or whatever they called her. Brownie is a American food, in india we have loads of other things dhokla, rasgulla, ladoo, barfi … there are loads of food items from which they could have picked any suitable title.
priyanka chopra aur browny - kabhi nahi
priyanka chopra aur brownie – kabhi nahi
priyanka - mein hoon barfi
priyanka – mein hoon barfi

Acha ji, ab sochne ki baat yeh hai ki who called her brownie/browny (couldn’t have been brawny – unless she was a pehelwaan! – which for the sake of simplicity, let’s assume she was not). Was it random boys who were trying their try their luck with her. Couldn’t be that coz those kids would have called her babe/honey and I am sure priyanka (like all decent bhartiya ladkis) would have been jolly annoyed with their antics and kicked their asses. So, finally the guys would have started calling her a brownie/browny behind her back because just like having too much brownie is dangerous for health, similarly they realized that taking too much punga with PC was dangerous for them.
priyanka chopra - don't call me babe
priyanka chopra – don’t call me babe
priyanka chopra t shirt
priyanka chopra t shirt – don’t call me honey
priyanka chopra - bashing up naught amrikans
priyanka chopra – bashing up naught amrikans

But how does all these things which happened so many years ago, have to do with her upcoming movie (I hear you ask). Arey, its simple na. I am sure that eventually priyanka figured out that she was called brownie/browny and then she decided she needs to get back to the amrikans for this badmaashi and tell them who she really is. So she decided on a two-pronged strategy –
1. She will start singing, despite having no musical talent. And not only any halka fulka (bathroom singing) type music, she will release an album in the US to torture amrikans.
2. She will do a movie called “barfi”, so that amrikans know that she is not a brownie, she is afterall a desi barfi. Much whiter, much sleeker, much tastier, Barfi.
This whole browny drama of priyanka chopra reminds me of dear ole pooja “auntie” of the sitcom, Hum Paach. I am sure just like Pooja Auntie used to say – Auntie matt kaho na, PC must have felt, browny matt kaho na (mein toh ekdum barfi hoon!).
hum paanch - pooja auntie, auntie matt kaho na
hum paanch – pooja auntie, auntie matt kaho na

In defense of Manmohan Singh – A gentleman bullied by media (TIME magazine and Washington Post)

Posted on Updated on


The other day I was wondering does Manmohan Singh use Denim Deodorant and if he does, then what would have happened if he used Gillette – hey it’s all very serious, ok. Remember Denim Deo’s ad – “For the man who doesn’t have to try too hard” – what if Dear ole Manmohan took that way too seriously … thinking that the wayward and corrupt politicians would eventually turn good. He doesn’t have to try too hard (explaining them that it’s not right for the politicians to do all that). Wonder if by using Gillette products, he would have become – the best the man can get – even as a senior citizen of this youngistan…

Anyways, never mind all these product companies, coming to the main point – yeh kya badmaashi ho rahi hai??? Why is the whole world hell bent on bullying a nice ole chappie – our dear ole MMS – Manmohan Singh. Give the chap a break for god’s sake. Bhagwaan ke liye usey break deh doh – imagine yours truely yelling in filmy style, like the women in hindi movies would yell before an attempt to rape scene. However, the villians (in movies – chaps like prem chopra, shakti kapoor et al and in this case – time magazine, washington post et al) would just smile wickedly and say “Agar bhagwaan ke liye tujhe chor dunga toh mera kya hoga … HA HA HAH…”. And these media villians are toh even worse than the regular villians – they are the ones who originated the phrase – Teri keh ke lunga… they write all the bad things about you – calling you “a tragic figure” or “the underachiever” and what not.

Now this is clearly not done… imagine if someone had told manmohan singh and his family that in future he would be featured on covers of TIME magazine and Washington Post, I am sure they would have been so happy and proud of the fact … but uff yeh media ki bewafai… Just see what they did to the poor chappie…

Manmohan Singh - Really a Underachiever
Manmohan Singh – Really a Underachiever???

The question still remains, is all this criticism and bullying of a decent guy (i am sure all of us agree that despite all his weaknesses, he is still a decent fella), justified?
Let me ask all of you –
1. is india the only country where there is widespread corruption
2. did we not have corruption before manmohan singh took over the prime ministership
3. agreed that there are corrupt ministers while he is the prime minister, but shouldn’t our prime target be those chappies rather than take aim at a soft target (just because we know that this nice guy will listen everything and won’t say a word).

It’s almost like during the times of Mahabharata – everybody criticizing Bhisma Pitamah/ Guru Dronacharya for the bad deeds of that bad-ass Duryodhana… coming to think of it, isn’t the whole situation way too much like Mahabharata anyways – there are loads of kauravas and between them are stuck nice folks like MMS, who unfortunately are bound by their sense of duty/loyalty to support them for whatever they are …
Come on fellas, we were smart enough to understand the compulsions of the great people (read bhism pitamah/ guru dronacharya) then, so can’t we be sensible enough to target the really bad guys that exist rather than criticizing folks who we know would take it one the chin… remember the saying – when shit hits the fan, some guys run and some guys stand … People like manmohan are the loyal folks who still continue to stand and are prepared to get dirty in the process… It’s about time that we all also realize that.

Manmohan Singh - Bhishma pitamah
Manmohan Singh – Bhishma pitamah

Now as far as foreign bullies like TIME and Washington Post go – Boss, why don’t you mind your own business, you have/had such clowns in leadership positions your own country who are able to boast of the foreign policy expertize just because they are able to see Russia from Alaska or who talk about legitimate rape & how human body has defence mechanisms to avoid pregnancy from rape – DUH … why don’t you focus your attentions on these morons and let us live in peace. Please look around you’ll find thousands more people with such brilliant thinking and mindsets in your own country. As dear RAJKUMAR said – Jaani jinke ghar sheeshey ke hotay hain woh dusroon ke ghar parr pathar nahi maarte …

(kindly note – I did not advise the western media to read mahabharata – I don’t think their pigeon size brain will ever understand it)

Finally, in true Mark Anthony style, to my fellow countrymen –

Friends, Indians, countrymen, Lend me your ears;
for I am here to defend Manmohan, from the media bullies
the evil that men do is focussed on when the media talk about them;
the good is oft forgotten and ignored by the prejudiced mind;
So let it be with Manmohan.
The smart and popular TIME magazine, called him ” The Underachiever”
if it were so, it was a grievous fault
And grievously hath Manmohan answer’d it.
Here by taking all the blame of the corrupt ministers on thyself
For TIME Magazine is a noble magazine;
So is all media, all honourable men –

Come I to speak in the times of Manmohan’s condemnation.
He is our leader, honorable and wise;
But Washinton Post says that he is “Tragic figure”
And Washington Post is a honourable publication
He hath brought many reforms to Indian financial system
Which ushered india to the path of greatness and glory:
By doing this does Manmohan seem tragic?
Recently when that the national and world economies had suffered, World leaders came to him for help
And Manmohan was at the forefront and worked hard to find solutions
Tragic figures would have faltered and run away
Yet Washington Post says that he is Tragic
And Washington Post is a honourable publication

I speak not to disprove what TIME and Washington Post wrote,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without a cause
What cause withholds you then to understand his constraints and compulsions?
O empathy! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason. bear with me;
My heart feels sad for dear ole Manmohan
And I must shout out till others see his goodness like me.

Sherlyn chopra – no more paid sex for me pls (all I want are tangible & intangible riches and i love my cucumbers)

Posted on Updated on


As soon as the news (of Sherlyn Chopra saying that she likes being a tease but she won’t have “paid” sex) got around, poeple got really mad. they were like – move over mel gibson (the original patriot), india has its very own desi deshbhakt. The one who understands the needs and desires of our country. Who understands that in Rs. 28 per day, one can barely afford 3 meals a day, let alone paying for luxuries like sex (itne paisey mein toh biwi ka headache hi milega ji). People started going on upwaas and saving their money to buy a copy of playboy magazine to get to know her better. They started queuing outside her house hoping that our dearie sherlyn chopra will have FREE sex with them!!! The people who had paid sex with her were feeling like losers now – thora ruk jaate toh, you know free n all …

 

I mean, what can I say – Are  you guys nuts or what… here you all are mango men (aam aadmi) and here is our dearie, playboy model, LA returned Madam chopra, aisa tum log soch bhi kaisey sakte ho… Chaps let’s not get excited an all, let’s control ourselves, take a step back (no I am not jumping to the start of the queue), let’s try and figure out what she said and what she meant…

 

Sherlyn chopra was very clear with her intentions. She said – ” I enjoy being a tease. I enjoy sex when … it is a result of uncontrollable lust or attraction”. She also said that she did not enjoy sex when it was a result of any obligation (mental/emotional/financial). Waah I say, now that’s the free spiritedness of the 60s. Have fun with no obligation… almost makes me feel as if she has been transported back in time to the 60s like austin powers in “the goldmember” … Yeah baby, yeah.

austin powers yeah baby yeah

She also got into a spiritual tangent and started saying things like – “we should have child like belief in the power of spirit and then there shall be no lack of tangible and intangible riches in our life”

 

And final fact before we begin our analysis, all of this happened after her trip to the US (and the playboy shoot)….

 sherlyn chopra - fun in playboy mansion

So here is my analysis of this all in simple words for mango man (aam aadmi) –

 

1. Sherlyn chopra will not stop having sex

2. Sherlyn Chopra is now damn rich, courtesy playboy shoot. She doesn’t need to charge you for sex anymore …  She is now best friends with Hugh Hefner

sherlyn chopra best buddies with hugh hefner

3. So how do you get to have sex with her …it’s simple really. All you need to do is she her your belief in the spirit and your tangible and intangible riches

4. She is poking fun at others who sing, dance, dare2bare and do what not (all hanky panky stuff i say) to earn their “hard” (no puns intended) earned money – she is saying you losers, I did my one playboy shoot and look I am so rich. I can still entice the ones i want by saying that i like being a tease but also reject the ones I want by saying hi-fi stuff like you lack belief in the power of spirit and hence you lack intangible riches in your life….  

5. finally for the aam aadmi – well if you really thought that sherlyn chopra will have sex with you for free… then dream on dearies. Life is not fair. Read the fine print, she wants you to have “tangible” riches in life… she has suggested one way – power of spirit- so feel free to try buying lottery tickets and if indeed god is generous to you then who knows maybe ms chopra might also be kind enough. But for 99% she is just being a tease that she likes to be to say that you can have her but she’s just inches away from your grasp. As someone said (dunno who, if nobody else claims, then it’s me) – everyone always needs a few more inches (no pun intended)…

Finally – what has Sherlyn been doing while all this has been happening – well she has just been a nice and homely girl. She has been chatting away with the world… telling them how she loves having cucumber and excusing herself of potty breaks… she has been such a charmer that now more than 100,000 people follow her on Twitter – well that’s the power of cucumber … clearly India loves her… 

sherlyn chopra - i want a potty breaksherlyn chopra - i love my cucumbers

Finally a Baba worth following … Baba Aparajith

Posted on Updated on


India beat Pakistan (again) in the world cup (U-19) and mostly due to the brilliant performance of Baba Aparajith. Ok before you think it’s another one of the shady babas who would have done some shady pooja to help us win, let me clarify that it’s not the case.

Baba Aparajith is a Indian cricketer – a offspin bowler and a useful right handed batsman. You can check his profile at – http://www.bcci.tv/bcci/bccitv/community/player/profile/5016312f42cf8

Baba Aparajith Indian U19 cricketer

For once he is not like the usual babas that we have been following –

1. Rahul Baba – the future of our country, forty plus year old youth icon, whose claim to fame is to go to poor people’s house and eat all their food (now whenever people in villages hear that he’s about to come to their village they eat all their food – jaldi khana khaa loh nahi toh rahul aa karr khaa jayega)

Rahul gandhi eating dalit dinner

2. Baba Ramdev – perhaps the shadiest of all babas in the recent times. He started off as a yoga guru and then suddenly realized that there is a lot of untapped black money outside india which he needs to have a share in, so he joined hands with anna hazare, and became like jai and veeru (or batman and robin, whichever you like)

Anna Hazare and Baba Ramdev as Jai & Veeru and Batman & Robin

A bit more on the shady baba ramdev, he’s been quite popular with females. Esp. one rakhi sawant who claimed that she can charm him. Another character trait of this fellow is that when things get tough (like police comes to get rid of him) he wears women clothes and runs away (definitely very cowardly and shady indeed), some people think that for his future crusades he bought summy leone’s clothes (yes she did wear some clothes in a hindi movie recently) …

Here’s presently Baba Leone (police please note) –

Baba Ramdev in sunny leone's clothes for his next police escape

3. Baba Sehgal – one of the original rapers of India. Unfortunately, he came at a time when Indians did not know about rap music and some fellows confused rap with rape 😦 … his shady villianish looks and hot videos featuring pooja bedi did not help either …

Baba Sehagl - the king of Rap

Anyways enough of the shady babas – let’s hope Baba Aparajith ends up doing better than these and does not well for himself and for the country. Looking forward to having a Baba in the indian cricket team, i bet once that happens, babes (and advertisers) will be all over him … good luck dude and well done in today’s match.

how baby arnab goswami was publicly spanked by madhu kishwar

Posted on Updated on


There was once a baby boy – his name was arnab goswami. He was an intellectual bore and a rather silly fellow. He believed that he was “the chosen one”. Like Judge Dredd he believed that – ” I am the law”

Judge Dredd

Judge Arnab - I am the LAW

It was all right for quite some time and everybody tolerated his bully behavior. He would call people to talk to him and then let them not speak. If they managed to speak and say something which his teeny weeny brain failed to comprehend, he would start blabbering gibberish and start shouting and yelling. The first time he did that everybody thought that he chappie is a little thirsty, give him a bit of milk and he’ll calm down. Maybe while we are at it, sing him a lullaby. Once some folks started pestering him, he became even worse and started doing it every night. Some people started coming to see it, mainly for 2 reasons –

1. What is wrong with the poor fellow, is he completely a gone case or is there some hope

2. Is it really true that everyday he does this nonsense. There must be some days when he speaks some sense. Come on chaps, we can’t give up, we must wait for the day when he makes some sense…

But alas, some things are never to be … before that day came, when baby arnab spoke any sense, he was publicly spanked by a academic (ooh, it’s too heavy a word, let’s just call her a “teacher”) – Madhu. Now Madhu madam had met baby arnab a few times before “the day”. She tried to put in some sense in him. But the bully baby that he was, he refused to listen and did his drama… he was a bad baby you see…

bad baby arnab

Now teacher madhu was trying hard to be calm and baby arnab was being a total dumb-ass.

dumb ass baby arnab goswami

Personally, i think there are 2 (actually coming to think of it, 3) reasons for baby arnab to get public spanking from teacher Madhu –

Reasons 1. & 2. – Gangs of wasseypur Parts 1 and 2 – which inspired everybody to – “keh ke lunga” (imagine if MMS watches this and calls Narendra Modi and tells him – teri keh ke lunga”, would be real fun – ok now let’s not digress)

Reason 3 – independence day – it seriously does shady things to ppl. For example everybody starts thinking about all the freedoms that they have, like freedom to speak up, freedom to give public spanking etc…

So enpowered with freedom of speech and inspired by Gangs of wasseypur, teacher Madhu did the unthinkable, something that had never happened before… She publicly spanked baby arnab for being a dumbass spoilt brat and in gangs of wasseypur lingo – baby arnab ki keh ke le li … ( to know how, read the links – http://www.manushi.in/articles.php?articleId=1616&ptype & http://www.manushi.in/articles.php?articleId=1617&ptype ) . Well done, Teacher.  CLAP CLAP CLAP…