Month: December 2011

2011 – top 5 events/people and prediction for sachin’s 100th 100

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Aah so yet another draws to a close. Like all dudes with opinion I would also like to come out with my top 5 list (top 10 is oh so predictable – everybody does that, plus it involves too much effort. So top 5 it is) of the main events that made 2011 what it was. The following are in no particular order, the lack of order makes it more interesting I think and definitely saves me effort to bring about order. (The only order I would like now would include – dal makhani, butter chicken and butter naan. 😉 )

Anyways here is my list, I’ve tried to make it fairly broad and representative including entries from indian politics, television, international affairs (although strauss kahn is unfortunately not included),entertainment and sports. Here it is for your reading pleasure –

1. Anna hazare and fasting – the dude who some folks claim looks like a dabbawalla (nom) became quite popular by going on fasts. Now that definitely annoyed some of the women I know – coz they have been fasting for years – sometimes to get a good husband, other times to slim down and sometimes to protest against the draconian demands of their slimy husbands but no one gave them any importance. I did a random survey (of err 3 women) and found that for women – men and loss of weight are definitely more important than corruption. Like one of them said, can you pay 100 bucks and reduce your weight in a jiffy. No sir. – and I humbly agree to their point. So fast(ing) anna should be given less importance and fasting women should be given more importance.

PS – men continue to drool over anna kournikova… That’s the only anna they have in their thoughts. No hard feelings Anna – pun definitely intended.

2. Rakhi sawant – this entry will surprise many folks but she’s gotto be one of my favorites. The reason – well she does loads of drama and nobody takes her seriously. Now isn’t it how life is as well – loads of drama and not meant to be taken too seriously, a philosophical thought, eh!. Anyways rakhi was like she always is in 2011. From proposing to baba ramdev and anna (the dude, not the kournikova) to hosting a shady ajab gajab types show, the female kept popping in on the telly every now and then. I find it quite admirable how she carries on doing whatever she feels like without bothering about anyone/everyone else. Ofcourse she is not to be taken too seriously. Way to go gal, continue doing your own thing and don’t give a damn to anyone else.

3. Osama and obama – they were the two failures of 2011 for me. Obama I had predicted to fail but osama I thought would do better at hide and seek. Come on dude – hiding in pakistan – that’s oh so predictable… Shame, shame. Could have gone to iran maybe. I bet amarikans could not have gone hunting there. obama uncle on the other hand is also struggling quite badly – together we can is clearly not working and people are unemployed and on the streets to occupy wall street and god knows what else. My advise to the dude obama is that learn to take responsibility and start saying “I” instead of “we” more often. Either this or get justin bieber to endorse you :). That’s a sureshot way to victory.

4. Justin bieber – you dunno who’s justin bieber? – you gotto be kidding me. Baby, baby, baby ooh… Baby, baby, baby, noooo… – in true srk style – gaana toh sunah hoga. Justin bieber is the most popular canadian ever… I mean how many canadians can you name, anyways – well there is celine dion, bryan adams and and … No more. Now bieber is definitely more popular than them. You don’t believe – ask any teenager close to you – son, daughter, father, mother … They’ll tell you how awesome he is. Earlier in the year some people had spread the theory that he’s not a cute guy (that young gals drool over and young guys hate) but he’s actually lady gaga without the shady make-up!!!. But then a young lady stepped forward (can’t confirm the “stepping forward” part!)And claimed that she is about to become the mother of bieber’s child – and that proved beyond all doubt that he is indeed the man! And all the young girls started drooling all over again – Baby, baby, baby ooh… Baby, baby, baby, noooo…

Ps – I think justin bieber is like weapon of mass destruction. anyone who has him on his side will rule the world …

5. 100th 100 – how can any self respecting indian compile a top list without cricket and sachin tendulkar in it. The little master has been in news trying to make his 100th international hundred, which has been eluding him this year. Now there are multiple theories going around why is tendulkar not making this hundred – some claim that he’s protesting against corruption and bribe taking politicians while others claim that he’s waiting for poonam pandey to announce that she will do her last stripping act and then stop stripping once and for all after he makes the hundred. But I ofcourse have a different theory, I think its all in the name – till his name has “ten” he will not reach hundredth hundred, let us rename him hundrulkar (there I have done it already) and I bet he will score his hundredth hundred at the scg.

Ps – like all indians – cooommmeee onnn saaachiiin …


on christmas – the sad story of old lady santa (baa santi)

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How many of you have wondered if santa has a wife or not? I mean he is a nice guy and (no doubt that nice guys finish last!, but still) he deserves to have a loving wife …

My belief is (the king of wishful thinking that I am) that santa indeed has a wife – her name is santi (ofcourse what else would santa’s wife name be). Now she is quite old like santa so she is lovingly called basanti (oops I mean baa santi) 🙂

But how come baa santi has been away from the world for so long, how come she doesn’t go ho ho ho on christmas and distribute gifts to folks around the world. Again my analysis (the smart and analytical guy that I am!) says that it was not like this always. Many many years ago santi (she was young then, so no baa) used to accompany santa on his annual christmas journey. Ofcourse dear young (he was not old then) santa enjoyed her company but it did cause practical problems (boo hoo). Let me explain.

1. Make up related issues – santi being a young lady wanted to present her very best (that’s understandable) so would spend loads of time to do make up. Also after she would cross a couple of countries she would want to change her make up as per the fashions prevailing in the next set of countries (but no burkas n all you know – she is a progressive lady believing in equal rights for women). All of this make up time would delay santa and would lead of scolding and poor performance ratings from his boss (I’ll tell you the story of santa’s boss next year, promise. ok.). This became quite tricky for santa.

2. Jealousy – santi sometimes became unnecessarily jealous that santa is giving nice gifts to pretty women. Not that santi was (rather is) any less beautiful but she suffered from bouts of jealousy so she decided to become the in-charge of christmas shopping for females. And she did the most horrible thing ever. Instead of buying designer clothes, perfumes and shoes she bought cheap chinese fake stuff. IMP. NOTE – any female who got cheap chinese fakes for christmas gifts, its not because your husbands/ bfs don’t love you. Its because of santi. Ofcourse the women folks complained to santa’s boss (these women na, all they do is complain. I tell you) and santa did not receive his annual bonus and hike that year. Poor chap.

But like all men, he loved his wife santi and enjoyed her company (actually I am lying, she told him that he better take her along or he is not allowed back in the house – and it is freezing cold outside). But then something happened that changed history.

The whole thing got commercialized. The sponsors gave santa and santi red costumes to wear for their trips. Now this infuriated santi – not the commercialization part silly, that led to higher income and so was most welcome, but the fact the she had to wear the same dress again year after year. I mean how can any female with even a iota of self respect agree to such conditions. Santi rebelled and first started hunger strike, but when she got hungry she acted smart and cancelled the strike. Later she decided to QUIT from the job. Santa ofcourse like a nice guy that he is (and because he needed to run his household), continued working on this till this very day.

So that’s how we all now know only santi and no one knows baa santi. Ofcourse she doesn’t go to distribute gifts but like a nice housewife she keeps and feeds santa well (his big tummy and chubby cheeks prove that). Ofcourse its sad that very few folks down on earth know her but I hope that after reading this post more people will be thankful to her and her contribution to keep santa fit and happy so that we all get our x’mas gifts each year.

P.S. – baa santi also told me to inform shady girls who have their eyes on her dear ole santa to – keep off him – or else she still has the power to ensure that you get cheap chinese fakes instead of the designer stuff… So MIND IT.

why worry about your own death…

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I am somehow not afraid of dying – not that I don’t value life, I absolutely value it and would do everything possible to escape death but somehow death does not scare me. Actually we (or atleast I) don’t know what to expect from death, so atleast to me there is a sense of anticipation more than the feeling of scare about death. If I had experienced it before and felt that it was horrible then ofcourse I would have been scared about the whole death affair. But ofcourse that’s not the case. There are a couple of other reasons why I don’t get scared about death, let me elaborate on them.

The closest I have been to death is when I fainted/ become unconscious. And I can proudly say that I rather enjoyed the whole experience – I think I have blogged about it before (too lazy to dig out old post)- the feeling was that of complete peace and blankness in the mind and then nice music in my mind when I started regaining consciousness (the song – build me a buttercup, from the movie – there is something about mary ; very nice song and funny movie 😉 ). I know its slightly rude to say (coz I freaked out a whole bunch of folks) but I quite enjoyed the whole experience even though I was slightly embarrassed about it later. So on the whole if death is going to be similar experience (probably without the music 😦 ), then its not so bad. Now that I think about it, it’s fairly similar to a machine shutting down – the peace, the quietness and the blankness … Its not so bad I think.

Another reason (slightly linked to the first one) is that I don’t much believe in the concept of heaven and hell after death. Which btw is also the reason why I do shady things deserving hell. Now if there are indeed heaven and hell then I shall feel very annoyed coz I know that I will be rotting in hell 😦 – like a chappie once told me, there will be a spl chamber in hell for me and they shall toast and fry me from both sides :((. Anyways for now I don’t believe in this heaven and hell concept (rather believe that there will be peace and blankness, as I said above) after death so I don’t have to be scared so much of death.

Anyways that’s so much about worrying about my own death, but I think the scarier thought for me is the death of my dearies. Yes I get a lot more scared to imagine life without them. I think I will miss them too much and that makes me sadder and scared than to think of my own death.

A concluding thought – I hope to do something nice (amidst all the shady things that I do) for some ppl for them to feel the same way about me as I feel for my dearies. Afterall I don’t want folks to be shouting YEAY… And break my peace and quiet when I die (who knows if the shout is too loud, I may come back from dead… No we clearly don’t want that to happen).

You know that you’re too old when…

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Today I was reminded of something that I read on the internet sometime back – “you’re too old if someone ever told you to get off the internet because they need to use the phone”. Not that I much believe what people write online. These ppl bhi na, they can write god knows whatever – random philosophies, shady jokes, shady poems, rubbish blogs … The list is endless. Anyways gandhi has also said that (he did not say it only to me, I read this on a website!) “We must not blindly believe in whatever has been written on internet, we must analyze it thoroughly, think if it is good for humanity and then accordingly act on it”. What noble thoughts I must say!!!

Anyways to come back to my original point about being too old if you’ve ever worked on the dial-up connection. I think this test really works well. I even tested it randomly in office today. I mentioned it to a couple of my neighbors who gave me the look like I was talking about the benefits of pro-democracy websites to the chinese politicians – the look clearly said – “we know nothing about what you are talking about… We don’t know nor care about this random rambling”. So clearly it was proven that I belong to the generation “far far away”.

Anyways like all oldies (and read this part carefully, this is important – actually on second thoughts it is not) I got into the mood to talk about the good old days … I didn’t go as far as the british empire but I did tried to enlighten them about the times when nerdy folks like me waited 3 days to download a 3 MB song, using a dial-up connection that was available for maximum 1 hour per day under parental supervision. Ah those were the days. Ofcourse as nature has proven and darwin wrote and conveniently took credit for, like all species our generation also evolved. I vividly remember the breakthrough software that, which at that time I thought, had revolutionized atleast how I used the internet – Download Accelerator Plus. Imagine it allows you to download, at accelerated speeds (upto 1.5 kbps) and it was new and improved (“plus” as they called it!). The beauty of this software was you could download 300kb one day and then resume the download the next day. Now isn’t that such ingenious thinking and understanding the needs of the customers. The day I got this software (needed a spl permission from my parents to use internet for 2 hours, so that I could download 2MB of this gold dust!) Was the happiest day of my life as I imagined the endless possibilities that were in front of me. I spent 3 sleepless nights imagining what all I could do with this beauty and the beauties that I could get from it. Ah, let me not get carried away by that euphoric feeling, I am sure that I’ve made my point clear. I mean, I have never come across anything so perfect to meet my requirements (since the diapers which I wore as an infant – boy they fitted nicely!).

Anyways let’s come back to the present tense (boy present is indeed tense, past was more “perfect”), so today is the day when it has been undoubtedly proven that I am clearly too old for the current justin bieber singing, flash mob organizing, youtube video watching generation. But as a parting note I would like to tell this new generation that chaps you’ll never know the sense of anticipation in waiting for a song to download over 3 days, the joy of it being a full, correct song that you wanted and the sorrow and disappointment when you realize that it’s sung by some shady singer (who sang just a shady better than bieber and slightly worse than altaf raja). Like all oldies say – those were the days man, those were the days …

rakhi sawant and anna hazare, also btw why is veena malik missing

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While switching channels last night I was forced to choose between rakhi sawant and anna hazare – obviously I chose rakhi sawant. No hard feelings (pun intended), anna. The two I think are quite similar in some ways but rakhi scores over the dude in some critical ways … Let me elaborate.

Rakhi sawant is a bit like your girlfriend (know loads of ppl who pray everyday that she was indeed their girl friend!). She is hot and she keeps on blabbering god knows what, but nobody really takes her seriously (btw I didn’t mean to say that guys don’t take their girlfriend’s words seriously, ofcourse we do!). Folks just like having her around talking about whatever she wants to say, looking hot n all … Its not so bad you know.
Now anna on the other hand is like a grumpy nagging wife, who just likes to crib, crib and crib and goes fasting to protest (mein khana nahi kaungi kyunki tum mujhse pyar nahi karte, sirf apne paisey sey pyar karte ho!!!). Now anna is always in front of your eyes and in your ears with the same drama/problems giving you only needless pain and headache.

A couple of months ago rakhi wanted to join hands with anna (well figuratively speaking, not literally) and start her crusade against beeping naughty words from songs. But she was refused… Now who’s to say that songs with beeps is a lesser threat to our nation’s cultural fabric than corruption. There is already corruption in the country and many folks are still able to live with it, but imagine if our next generations start speaking with beeps in their sentences, that will take time to understand and digest, am sure. Now this issue must be taken very seriously I think.

So thatwas about the events of last night’s tv surfing, today morning I get to know that veena malik has gone missing since friday… Yeh lo! What has the world come to. We must find out where she is – she can’t be left by herself, god knows what she’ll do – another RAW (pun intended) tattoo, falling in love in reality (tv) or worse still marrying a chappie without a swayamwar… No no, all this can’t happen (without the world watching it). We need to go find her.