Month: May 2011

electronically tracking GOD

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Ok first things first, I am not looking to implant a “bug” in god to electronically track him/her. What I meant is that in today’s day and age when we electronically track (etrack? – sounds jazzy eh!) companies and industries then why can’t we electronically track god.

A disclaimer first – this brilliant idea came to me while discussing with a pretty knowledgeable girlie (makes for a smart CV – hmm…!!! ) – so obviously some credit goes to her as well (although not sure if she would want to be associated with this shadiness 😦 )…

Anyways, disclaimers apart – so, first decision is whether it is a viable business model – my humble opinion is – ofcourse, yes. There are loads of ppl who believe in god – in different shapes, sizes, faiths, sexes (btw I am talking about different gods, not ppl). So the potential size of the market is quite big. A lot of people are quite lost and naïve and I think a shady and slimy guy like me can easily fool them into telling them that how things are and what is it that they want (which they obviously dunno and I obviously know!!!). So there is clearly profit to be made in this whole “business” (ofcourse we shall call this sham a social service – a way to shepard the lost souls and to relieve them of their sins by taking away their money – which is the root of all sins…).

Anyways, in terms of the market/industry , it is also clearly well defined – the market is nicely segmented and has a well defined taxonomy (which btw has nothing to do with tax/ tax men; I told u – you all are so naïve and lost that I need to explain everything clearly. Tch tch tch … Ok as a first step hand me over that purse of urs!).

So ofcourse we know what to research and track, we shall have a trans-heaven coverage (all gods shall be covered, across all faiths, we don’t want anyone to be feeling left out and hence depressed you know). After we have covered all gods, as a next step, we shall cover all apsaras (aah the apsaras, my favorites !!! – we’ll need to have real time updates and archives of snaps, facebook profiles, tweets et al). They will get us the bulk of “business” (eesh, what I meant was the bulk of social service… Ok, now hand over that gold chain of urs – you know right that how many wars have been fought b’coz of gold, give it to me and let me take good care of it).
In the next step we’ll cover the service providers – you know the booze (ok, somras) providers etc – I am sure for a lot of services the gods must be dependent on certain chappies – for instance who’s the clothes provider of gods … I am sure christ must now (atleast want to) be wearing a dolce & gabana suit rather than a rag… I am sure that’s the case. Imagine all hindu gods all dressed up in their gold and ramanand sagar chappie style clothes and good ole jesus in a rug and being all simplistic (what can I say in this case apart from – OH! Christ) … Now clearly I am sure that’s not possible at all. With such peer pressure, everybody will buckle in…

Now the next question is how to market – ofcourse its a electronic tracking service so the marketing has to be electronic as well. I suggest having nice snaps of apsaras and a catchy subject line in the email to entice the reader – oh come on now, everybody opens any email which promises pamela anderson (tom cruise, in case of females!) pics – so I am sure that nice apasara pics will work as well, ofcourse we need nice apsars (male hunky version of apsaras) as well to cater to female audience.

Obviously there is a huge scope of “consulting” (aah, again the business jargon, if anything can fail this entire scam that’ll be my mgmt. jargon. Anyways what I meant was “personalized healing of souls”) for ppl who are really in the dire need of relieving themselves of all the “pain” – not the body pain you idiots, or heart pain you lovey dovey kinds – I was referring to the pain associated with spiritual hollowness, which ofcourse I can relieve… Ok we need to start by getting rid of that rolex in your hand mister, so how much joy it gives (to me)!!!

So you see I really am fit to be in this “spirit”ual (no, we shall not be boozing – there are no spirits allowed) line … Now, in true jerry mcguire style, who’s with me … Who wants to embark on a journey with me to relieve all the (rich but) sad and lonely souls of all their pain (and money, which I am sure has led to the pain)? Who has the courage to take away ppl’s loneliness (and the money and gold which caused it) and work to spread happiness in the world (and concentrate money in their bank account)… Who’s with me!!! – applications invited…

shady snaps

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valuation of happy marriage …

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There is this interesting valuation question that I read somewhere (actually I also read the answer, but ofcourse I don’t trust other analysts) – what is the dollar (or rupee) value of a happy marriage? I have always fancied myself as a fairly smart financial analyst, so I decided to think through it.

It is also quite complicated question – partly because of unpredictability of the human nature and how different folks react to certain situations (that’s always the trickiest problem in real life valuation problems involving human behavior!.

Anyways let me present my analysis (shady as usual, please do read it with a pinch of salt) –

Let’s use a contrarian approach to do this analysis – not sure if this is the right usage/phrase but anyways let me explain what I mean (just so that everyone is clear). My logic is that to ascertain the money value of a happy marriage we need to ascertain the costs (and benefits, well u never know) of a unhappy marriage. So in a way the cost savings that accrue as a result of not having a unhappy marriage (or having a happy marriage). I could have used the standard present value of all future benefits approach as well but the future benefits in this case are “love”, “companionship” etc and I don’t want to shadily analyze those, lest I offend some of the romantics reading this …

Let me use my understanding of some unhappy marriages (of some dearies, not mine, mind u) to analyze the possible outcomes, also just to be clear I am doing analysis for guys (gals, I just don’t understand, have even stopped trying now!) –

One definite cost involved in unhappy marriages (for many), initially is impact on professional performance (some of u will say that professional performance can improve due to longer time in office, but I think that’s at a later stage not initially, when the guy has not given up and is trying to whatever it takes to resolve the situation!). I would assume that the cost of initial performance slump as a lakh rupees.

Apart from that, there is a cost of booze (most guys have been known to resort to that!) – cost would be say 2 beers a day, every other day – 85 bucks per beer * 2* 180 equals 30k roughly plus snacks n all – let’s round it off to 50k for sake of simplisitic calculations…

I would not get into the psychological damage part – mard ko dard nahi hota – physically and psychologically !!! So no cost there.

So the total cost as of now is 1.5 lakhs as yet.

Now the dear ole chappie has tried everything but is just not able to resolve the situation, so they try to separate, now here comes the bulk of cost – the legal cost plus the cost of alimony (boo hoo, this will be a biggie) – my rough estimate of all of this is that for anybody earning decent sum of money this goes as high as 20 lakhs or so…

So the cost escalates to 21.5 lakhs now …

Then ofcourse there is a period of heavy booze drinking – so let’s say again a 50k cost… Which means now the cost is 22 lakhs.

Now comes the interesting part, what I have observed is that there are 2 sets of guys – one that completely fall apart quite badly, and so there is a quite drastic hit to professional performance (some even quit jobs!) – the weaklings , the other set of folks tend to really really focus on the job and in some ways their performance improves – the strongies… I expect this phase to go on for 2 years

So my estimate is that the cost for weaklings is 5 lakhs across 2 years ( so their total cost becomes 27 lakhs). For strongies on the other hand actually they focus more and so they gain say 3 lakhs (the losses of poor performance are always more than the gains of good performance)… So the total cost for strongies become 19 lakhs.

Well the costs do not stop here – there is a cost of remarriage (yeah, the indian parents would just not allow chaps to chill). Even if its a relatively toned down marriage, I expect the cost to be 5 lakhs …

So the total cost for weaklings is 32 lakhs and for strongies is 24 lakhs…

For the sake of simplicity (and its also fairly logical), let’s assume that all the costs are on a present value basis …

So there we go the cost of happy marriages is anywhere between 24 lakhs – 32 lakhs…

Lessons –

1. Choose who you’re marrying wisely
2. Try and keep your partner happy

Or be ready to bear the costs … (And the dard joh kabhi kabhi mard ko bhi hota hai!!!)

Well in case you are curious what the other analyst analyzed the cost of happy marriage is – he/she put it as 100,000 USD per year .. That’s a bit excessive I think but that chappie also got into emotional aspects (maybe firangi mardon ko dil ka dard kuch zyada hi hota hai, and maybe they’re not so tough as our desi guys!) – also being the king of wishful thinking I believe that unhappy marriage will not last forever, and so will stick to my analysis that costs are only during a short period – maybe a few years or so and are not perpetual in nature… Also I am not getting into the issue of “how happy is happy or how bad is bad”…

Some would also argue that not all unhappy marriages end in divorces, well even then in that case the cost per year (booze and impact of performance) would be 2-3 lakhs or so (real terms, current year basis)… And it would go on for 10-15 odd years (after which either one of the two will die or both will become just so comfortably numb), so even then the cost is 30 lakhs or so …

shady songs can cause constipation in delhi’s belly

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I have always maintained that I either listen to really good music or really really shady/ horrible music – basically something that requires a genius or a madman to create…

So today I decided to listen to delhi belly music album – it definitely fits my bill … (While most of you would have already heard – bhag dk bose, in the promos of the movie, but the madness doesn’t stop here). To give you some perspective (mind u, you have to be a “braveheart” to survive it), imagine a song that has lyrics like –

“Dil thodhoon, haddi bhi
Kung fu kheloon, kabaddi bhi”

And then a bunch of hysterical girls start yelling – “I hate you, like I love u”…

Later in the song they mention –

“joh chaukka udte huye jaye, usse chakka kehte hain”

(There are other extremely shady lines as well, which I just don’t want to mention!)

My humble opinion is that what are we trying to say with lyrics like these !!! .

I have always believed that music and movies help us understand the psyche of society (ofcourse it doesn’t apply to rajni and bala krishna movies n all , if it does then I dunno what to say about the psyche of south indian society for so many years!!!). Anyways, I can’t believe that we have gone to such low levels (are we so damn “high” that we did not even realize it). My big big worry is that some of these songs will become “anthems” – any song which ppl bother to listen for 1 month is considered an “iconic anthem” these days. Such are the attention spans which demand that we watch skimpily clad foreign cheerleaders jumping up and down on mindless hitting of balls ( cricket balls, just to clarify – no other balls as yet, mind u – although I am fairly sure that to those pigeon size mind women, it doesn’t matter which balls are hit!!!). I digress.

Anyways my big worry is that what is all this going on – what kind of people have we become that we are glorifying this “talent”… I am all for new age cinema – I am not against using contemporary words (even cuss words) in songs, but boy, we need to draw a line somewhere. It’s one thing to write a song with contemporary lyrics and another to write a completely mindless song. Seriously if such is that talent that we are promoting then boy we are in trouble.

On a separate note – if we like such songs and writers then I should also become a song writer… You cannot even imagine what all I can write with my vivid imagination and “shady talent”…

Disclaimer – mind u the songs have been heard in isolation of the movie. who knows the songs are “fit” for the movie – in which case I need to write about that as well!!!

gay test!!!

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midnight haute on primetime – brilliant move i say…

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One of the advantages of leaving office at respectable time in the evening is that I have been able to surf channels at prime time. Mind you I don’t watch any prime time shows but like to see what is there on different channels nonetheless. Like all men I am more interested in “what else” is on tv rather than what’s on tv 😉 (smart one by seinfeld – how true!).

So anyways last night with the same spirit of discovery (and anticipation, and thrill – I bet even christopher Columbus was also not overwhelmed by so many emotions when he set out for the “new world”,anyways) I decided to browse through different channels. And just like dear chappie columbus I did discover something, completely different from what I had expected and anticipated, but definitely interesting and intriguing. Well christopher columbus found america and I found midnight haute coming on prime time tv – now which is more important for the development of “man”kind, that’s fairly obvious (in case its not fairly obvious to you – ask any man, they’ll tell you that’s its the latter!!!).

Now the mind was filled with a number of question (no, these questions did not relate to the body of female models or the skimpy clothes they wore – I was just happy to see those, but the questions were more profound & intellectual – the pseudo-intellectual that I am). The questions centered around the implications of showing midnight haute on prime time television.

Some background first – a few years ago, I think it was 4 odd years ago, fashion tv was banned in india for a couple of months – because it showed the show midnight “hot” at midnight … Now that’s completely unacceptable, right. We are nice traditional folks living around in the land of kamasutra – how can you show “hot” programme such as that – you need to be classy and firangi and the program should be called “haute” u see (the difference between “hot” and “haute” is same as that between “shiela” and “munni”!!!)…

Also how can you call it “midnight hot” and show it on midnight – that’s totally killing the thrill, the sense of discovery and the feeling of accomplishment for the viewers (you’ll probably not know it, but I experienced it yesterday so I know the feeling of exhilaration!!!). Anyways I think banning the channel (and the show) started to have a profound impact on the our society and the psyche of ppl and so the government decided to lift the ban. Ofcourse the nice chaps at fashion tv also realized their folly (which I also pointed out earlier) and regretted and apologized for their “mistakes”…

Now, while they have rectified most of their mistakes (blunt “hot” has been changed to more sophisticated and fashionable “haute” and the timing is now prime time rather than oh so predictable “midnight”) but it does lead to some important points for us to think about this new “time slot” for the show. Now the thing to understand is that in case we are indeed thinking about keeping kids away from watching this “programme” then I think prime time is a better idea, because –
1. Parents would want to watch their serials and news and so kids would not be able to watch it.
2. Even if the kids have the control of the remote, the parents will also be around and I think (even though we are living in progressive times) it will be a bit uncomfortable for kids to watch it with parents around.
3. Maybe its a matter of personal choice but I am not sure that watching midnight haute while having dinner is the prospect that most folks/families enjoy. I mean on what will you concentrate – food or the show… Definitely, in my humble opinion, not the best show to watch while having dinner!!!

On the other hand, midnight was just the right time for kids to watch it –

1. Parents are asleep
2. It is broadly acknowledged that friskiness increases at night
3. Kids can always give an excuse that they have school work to finish and so need to be awake till so late…

Now for the adults who want to watch it, ofcourse prime time is a more convenient (except for hard working folks who barely reach home by that time!!!).

So I think showing “midnight haute” at prime time is a wonderful idea. The only question is that – are you “up” (pun intended) for it 🙂

Yours Truely Rennt…

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First of all before I start off the main topic of discussion, it’s useful (and important) to explain what “Yours Truely Rennt” means (I don’t expect my readers to do some extra research, you see!!!) … Yours truely is obviously me – in line with my no names policy. Rennet – means “runs”. Now, the question is why “rennt” when its easier to type “runs” – simple my dearies – ofcourse it is to show off, show off , show off that I know german and I watch foreign language movies. There is a movie called – “lola rennt”, also translated into english with the title – run lola run… I suggest you watch it – its a quite nice movie… However, the similarities between lola rennt and yours truely rennt end there at the title…

The big (its not a million dollar, but I’ll say a hundred ruppees) question is why have I decided to run and what am I running for/from … The answer is actually quite simple (like most my answers) – I don’t know. What I do know is that my doc recently told me to get a “bit fitter and improve my lifestyle”… Now did that made me run – nah … Since when have I followed doc’s advice (never, unless they threaten me with a injection in case I don’t). Also mommie and friends have been telling me to start exercising / join a gym for years – basically for so long that they’ve given up now. So when I did not follow their advice then what happened… The funny thing is that nothing happened, probably the only thing is that I just got bored and one of the things I decided to do was to “run” – really reminds me of forest gump … I think my motivation to run is same as his – I just feel like running, so I run. Another thing to mention is that I run at 6 am – the most uncomfortable time for a lazy bum like me. I decided that one way of coming out of boredom is to bring about a “paradigm shift” (management jargon, not really applicable but I feel like showing off a bit more, so I will write) in my lifestyle and this 6 am running does change a few things – for instance I need to sleep before midnight, for that I need to leave office sooner… So as u can feel that there are a flurry of changes in my life (actually not, those were pretty much all the changes)…

So, when will I stop running -whenever I don’t feel like continuing … I think I will go on for some time (to prove to folks that I am determined enough to sustain it) but after that its pretty much upto me. The day I want to stop it and start something else, ofcourse I’ll do that…